


Sleepless Nights

by mannysue



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:40:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4056949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mannysue/pseuds/mannysue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why can't L sleep?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

L:  
I sit up, shaking and panting. I force my breathing to calm a bit and look nervously at the sleeping form beside me. Good. Light is still asleep. I don’t know what I would tell him if he asked what just happened. I had had another one of my nightmares. It is the main reason I don’t sleep very often. I either keep myself awake in fear of them or one rips me awake as soon as I actually do sleep.  
After I check to make sure I didn’t disturb Light I position myself so my back rests against the headboard. I am not going back to sleep tonight. I can barely even stand to close my eyes. The images just refuse to leave me in peace. I try to think of other things.  
My mind wanders for a while before settling on the person next to me. Light. He is certainly unique. In all my life I have never met anyone as similar to me and yet so different. Then again I haven’t gotten to know very many people on a personal level. He is my first friend. I know that he may not see me as a friend as well but I’m oddly ok with that. I just enjoy being around him. Most people are a bother, but not Light. He doesn’t need me to explain my thought process continually. He just gets it. It’s very relaxing. That is the main reason why being chained to him is not torturous. I’m not saying it’s easy. There are times when one of us needs to get up and the other doesn’t want to. Namely when he wants to sleep and I am still working.  
Bathing can get a bit awkward as well. It’s really not that bad, but I do occasionally notice Light glancing at me. It’s natural to be curious about other’s bodies so I don’t think too much of this. Honestly I’ve looked at him too. I am always struck by the contrast between us. He is fit and tan with strong shoulders and perfect posture. I am pale and lanky with hunched posture and gangly limbs. His perfect appearance takes effort though. He takes much longer than me to get ready in the morning. I simply put on clean clothes and brush my teeth, he has to select his outfit carefully and then spend 30 minutes on his hair. It’s very frustrating. I don’t know who he is trying to impress, honestly.  
I get lost in these thoughts for hours until I notice Light stirring a bit in his sleep. I notice that I have been watching him and I feel a bit ashamed. The sun is starting to come up outside our window and I would like to go and watch it so I move my handcuff to the bedpost, effectively tethering Light to the bed. I go to the window and take a seat, looking out over the city. 

Light:  
I am jerked out of my dreams by a sudden movement beside me. It would seem that L has just had another nightmare. I have obviously noticed them. I figured he barely slept before but now I know why. It torments me knowing that I can’t help him. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I have grown rather comfortable around this man and I don’t like to see him suffer.  
I know from experience that he won’t be going back to sleep tonight so I try not to let him know he has woken me. I don’t want him to feel guilty for something that he can’t control. I stay perfectly still and wait for him to be satisfied that I’m still asleep. I hear him sigh and sit up against the headboard and I know he’s settling into the position he’ll stay in until morning.  
I always wonder what he thinks about. It might be something to do with the case, or maybe his past. I really don’t know. Sometimes I think about asking him, but then he would know that he wakes me up and I don’t want that. It’s the same reason I don’t ask about his nightmares.  
I know that it must be hard for him to be attached to me like this. He obviously doesn’t have many close relationships with others. He is clearly a very solitary creature.  
It is difficult for me to be around people too. I have always simply tolerated others. Being quite popular, this has put quite a bit of stress on me. I have to keep up appearances and pretend to be enjoying the company of others. It’s different with L. He doesn’t make me want to scream every time he talks like those silly girls do. Especially Misa. I can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. L puts me at ease though. He only speaks when he has something to say and he always interests me with his topics of conversation. We could just sit in silence all day and never even look at each other, which is what I would prefer if it was anyone other than him that I was forced to spend my time with. But I like it when he talks to me. We can talk about absolutely anything and it is still interesting. He has even discussed Misa and it didn’t annoy me.  
It is still strange to be this physically close to someone all the time though. It’s not a hassle during the day usually. We have to be near each other anyway. It’s at night when it starts to bother me. He never wants to go to bed when I do. Then there is the trouble we have to go through to get ready in the evenings and mornings. It’s a little bit uncomfortable for me to be naked around him. I never know what he’s thinking and I can’t help but stare at his sharp lines and light complexion. His skin is flawless. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like. I know that he has muscle hidden under there somewhere. I’ve felt how strong his kicks can be. I am certain that I could feel that hidden strength under his skin if I touched him and sometimes I am quite tempted to. I don’t know how he would feel about it though, so I don’t.  
I drift off to sleep thinking about L and imagining various ways he would react to me touching him.  
A few hours later I wake up and peek up at L. He is staring at me but hasn’t noticed me watching him so I pretend to shift around a bit to see him react. He visibly shakes himself out of his thoughts and looks shocked to be staring at me. I see him blush and look out the window. He looks back at me for a few seconds and then I hear him open the handcuffs and chain me to the bed. I watch silently as he moves to the window and watches the sun come up. The light hits his hair and makes him glow. I can’t stop looking at his profile in the dim light. His features are very striking to say the least; sometimes I think he is rather handsome with his dark hair and matching eyes.  
After a while I decide that I will just get up and get ready for the day. I sit up and L looks over at me. I look pointedly at the bedpost I am attached to and he gets up to un-cuff me. We get dressed and go about our daily routines before heading downstairs to start the day.

 

L:  
Light and I head upstairs after making zero progress on the Kira case. I’m exhausted and ready for a shower and bed. We reach our room and I take off the handcuffs so that we can get undressed. I head toward the bathroom and turn on the shower. Light follows me and takes a seat on the floor beside me while I put shampoo in my hair and set to work. I lose myself in the steady beat of the water and the feel of my fingers in my hair. I briefly think that it would feel nice if they were someone else’s fingers. As I am rinsing my hair I remember that Light is in here with me and I notice that he hasn’t said anything. We have a ritual of talking while the other person is showering so that it doesn’t get boring or awkward.  
“Everything ok?” I ask.  
“…Yea I’m fine. Sorry for not talking. I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”  
“About what?”  
“Well, I’ve been wondering about how you are dealing with being tied to me. It must be strange for someone as solitary as you,” he says.  
I take a minute to think about a reply. “…I don’t have as hard a time with it as you may think. I actually don’t mind having you around. It’s true that I do tend to isolate myself, but that is usually because I find others to be tiresome. I always have to explain my motives and thoughts to others. You get it though. I like having you around because I can just speak my mind without having to walk you through my thoughts.” I pause. “But what about you, Light? I noticed that you simply tolerate the people you appear to be friends with. Doesn’t it bother you to have to pretend to like me all the time?”  
Light sits in silence for a moment, obviously thinking about what to say to that.  
A few moments later I barely hear him say over the sound of the water: “I don’t pretend.”  
My breath catches in my throat. I have no idea what to say. He sounds entirely genuine. Almost as if he didn’t want to say it, but felt compelled to. I know that if it had been a lie he would have said it forcefully and with full confidence, not hesitantly and quietly. This has thrown me for a loop. I decide to be honest with him as well.  
“I don’t pretend to like you either.”  
I hear him gasp on the other side of the shower curtain. I’m very tempted to take a peek at him and see what expression he is wearing. I don’t though. I just finish rinsing my hair and turn off the water. I reach for a towel and wrap it around myself before stepping out. I look down at Light and see him deep in thought. He doesn’t even look at me as he steps into the shower and closes the curtain. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say so I just sit down and close my eyes. I listen to the sound of the water. Light begins to hum a song I don’t know. It’s very beautiful, even though he is not the best singer, so I just listen for a while, losing track of time. 

Light:  
I feel oddly nervous. I can’t bring myself to look at L as he gets out of the shower. I have nothing to say and I don’t want to make things awkward by trying to force a conversation. I just get up and started taking my shower. The hot water is very relaxing and I soon feel my mind go blank. This is a rare occurrence and it is extremely relaxing. I feel happy so I start to sing a song that I used to like when I was a bit younger. It makes me nostalgic and I briefly think about how simple things used to be. Now there is only a constant battle for survival. I push the negative thoughts out of my head as I finish rinsing my hair. I grab a towel and exit the shower. I stop short when I remember that I’m not alone and that L heard me humming. I am slightly embarrassed because I know I am not very good. He flashes me a small smile and I grin back. He stands and we leave the bathroom. As we get dressed for bed I try to think of something to say. Eventually I decide that silence is ok for now. We head to bed in our pajama pants and settle in. The light is turned off and I slowly start to fall asleep.

L:  
I try to relax, but I can only think about what I should’ve said to Light. I’m afraid I may have made him uncomfortable and I definitely don’t want that. I decide to just let it go. I’ll worry about it tomorrow. Now the real problem kicks in. Do I sleep and risk nightmares or do I resign myself to a sleepless night? I decide to risk the nightmares and start to drift off…  
I wake up in a dark alley. There are streetlights in the distance, but they are too far off to be of use to me. I see a dark figure approaching me and I wonder who it is. I don’t feel threatened so I just wait to see what happens. I now can make out that the figure is a tall man. As he approaches I notice two people beside me: a man and a woman. They are thin with dark hair. They stare at me blankly. I turn back to the dark figure. He is standing close now and looking at the people with me. There is an eerie silence and then the tall man pulls out a large knife and grabs the man next to me. I hear a scream and I start running. I run for hours with the screams of the man and woman echoing around me. I keep running but the screams keep getting louder no mater where I turn. I look back and see the tall man chasing after me. He is covered in dark red and is all sharp angles. He is brandishing his knife and I run like hell. I dart down street after street, trying to lose him. Finally I glance back and can’t see him anymore. I slow down but keep up a good pace for a while. I round a corner and there he is. Right in front of me. Sharp teeth and red eyes. I see a flash of silver and feel a pain in my right side. I scream and fall and as I hit the ground…  
I wake up. Screaming and clutching my side, I look around the dark room desperately, trying to make sense of what just happened. My heart is pounding and I can’t breathe. I try and try to take in a good breath but it just isn’t working. My eyes are blurring with tears and each breath hitches as it comes and goes. I start to whimper and I can’t seem to get rid of the tightness in my throat. I try closing my eyes but images of that man flash behind my lids, so I just look around frantically. I hear movement beside me and I jump, ready to run. Then there are arms around me and a gentle, but obviously scared, voice in my ear. “It’s okay. You’re safe.” I try to say something in return but I can’t get a solid word out, I just keep stuttering and choking on my own breath. My voice comes out sounding weak and panicked. The arms around me tighten and I feel a hand stroke my hair. “Breathe in…” the voice says. I try. I really do. It just doesn’t do much but hurt. “And out…” The same thing happens: stutters and chokes. The voice next to me picks up the mantra, “In… and out…” This goes on for a long time, each breath getting steadier and each sob getting quieter. Finally I become slightly aware of my surroundings. I am in bed and the voice and arms belong to Light. I am still coming down off my panic attack and I am still clinging to Light as he holds me and continues to breathe with me. Finally I can breathe again and all I want to do is sleep. I start to lay back and Light gently lets go. I feel my eyelids start to droop and I know that I am too exhausted to have any more dreams tonight. 

Light:  
I feel a sudden jolt followed immediately by heavy, panicked breathing that turns quickly into sobs. I instantly figure out that L has had another nightmare. And this one was bad. I listen to him heave hitched breaths and try to think of what to do. I decide to help him however I can. I wrap my arms around him and start to coach his breathing. It takes a long time but eventually he calms down. Each sob absolutely kills me inside and I just want to take away that pain. I still don’t know what torments him so much. I see that he is completely worn out from this whole experience and I am not surprised to see him quickly drift off after that. I’m not as lucky. I am much too wound up and worried to just go back to sleep.  
I sit and think for hours. Thankfully the man next to me is sleeping soundly. I can’t help but stare. He is rather intriguing. His black hair is spread out on his pillow and his face is completely relaxed. It makes him look very young. There is no trace of the pain he was feeling earlier tonight. Thankful for this, I watch the window as the sun comes up.

L:  
I wake up to early morning light flooding the room. This is the first time in a while that I have woken up gently. I bask in the warm feeling of contentment for a few minutes. I look over at Light and notice that he is watching me carefully. He looks tired. “Did you sleep ok?” I ask, knowing the answer.  
“No I couldn’t get back to sleep,” he says.  
I feel a flood of guilt wash over me. This is all my fault.  
“I am sorry for waking you.”  
“It’s fine. I just hope I was able to help you a little bit.”  
“You did,” I assure him. “That was the first time anyone has been there to help at all.”  
He gives me a strange look and I glance away.  
“Let’s get ready,” I say.

Light:  
“That was the first time anyone has been there to help at all.”  
My heart breaks. Just imagining L waking up screaming with no one there to hold him or comfort him in any way kills me inside. But it is time to start the day and I don’t give myself much time to think about it. We get dressed and head downstairs linked together.  
The day is pretty normal. L shoves sugar cubes into his mouth. Matsuda is stupid and gets yelled at by my father. I don’t have much to do so I go through old records of criminals that were killed by Kira. I kind of zone out most of the day and that is absolutely fine with me. I glance over at L every once in a while just to check and make sure he isn’t upset. He really worried me last night and I am still getting over the trauma of it. I watch him long enough to decide that he is okay and I proceed to let the rest of the afternoon slip by. 

L:  
I am so embarrassed. How can Light even stand to be around me? He must be furious. I robbed him of precious sleep and obviously scared the hell out of him.  
I watch him discreetly throughout the day to make sure he isn’t mad at me. He doesn’t seem to be anything other than tired. After making my evaluation I glance at the clock. It’s 4:45. Damn. I suddenly remember that Light is going on one of his silly dates with Misa. I always hate those. I don’t particularly care for stupid people and I care even less for stupid people that think they know what’s going on. Misa is completely clueless. I turn to Light and inform him that it is time to go on his date. His face remains carefully neutral and I have no idea what he is thinking. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what his actual feelings are for her. She is a very cute girl and even though he says it’s one sided that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any interest at all. There’s really no way to be certain. I just resign myself to be forced to be in the company of a complete moron for an hour or so. At least I’m not the one she will be paying attention to. 

Light:  
Shit. Misa. I really can’t stand her. L reminds me that it’s time to go see her and dread fills my body. I don’t want anyone to know how much I despise her so I try to keep my face blank. I groan inwardly and get up from my desk. L and I head up to her floor. I hesitate slightly before knocking. She yells at me to come in so I do, bracing myself.  
“LIGHT!” I hear as I am suddenly collided with and held with fervor. I nearly fall down but I manage to avoid that barely. She kisses my cheek and I want to bolt. I have to stay strong. I need her to remain in love with me. I put on my best smile and I hug her back.  
We make our way to the couches and sit down. Misa has laid out some cakes as she always does. L is the only one who ever eats them though. He digs in to his and I try to think of something to say. I don’t have to think very long because Misa begins to run her mouth. She continues this for about 45 minutes. She talks nonstop about magazines and photo-shoots and idols and her model friends. It is driving me crazy. I finally reach the point where I’m about to scream. I look desperately at L and see the same expression on his face as he looks back at me. We are so done with this. I stand up, interrupting Misa, and tell her that we really have to get back to the investigation and that I can’t wait to see her later. She looks crestfallen but nods and clings to me until we reach the door where I say goodbye. L chimes in as well, but Misa just glares at him. He seems to enjoy it.  
We leave and I let out a sigh of relief as soon as the door closes.

L:  
Light looks more relaxed now that we are away from Misa. I am too honestly. She is the worst. I don’t like how she hangs all over Light. He obviously doesn’t like it and I hate that she doesn’t notice. Or if she does she doesn’t care. Either way it pisses me off.  
I push those thoughts aside and suggest to Light that we return to our room and have some dinner. He agrees and we head that way. I have a strong desire for some Necco wafers so I dig them out of my pocket and begin munching away. I like to let them sit on my tongue a moment before biting down on them. I enjoy the loud crunching sounds. Light obviously does not. He shoots a look at me every time I put one in my mouth. I simply look back at him calmly and continue to eat my wafers.  
We reach our room and once inside I un-cuff us and start to undress. I am very ready for a shower. We both crowd into the bathroom and he goes to take his shower first. I sit down and let the smells of the soaps and shampoos calm me down a bit.  
After a while Light shifts around a bit and starts to hum the same song he did earlier. I sit and listen, just enjoying the sound of his voice. It’s a slow song. I like the rhythm of it. It slows my breathing and I feel myself relaxing.  
It seems like his shower is over too soon and the bathroom is too quiet now that he has stopped humming his song. I give Light a small glance as I move past him into the shower, basking in the hot water. My shower feels about as good as I expected and I emerge clean and relaxed.  
We head off to bed and I quickly settle in for the night, not expecting to get any sleep. After I turn off the light my head gets heavy and I just can’t stay awake any longer. 

Light:  
L is asleep. Thank goodness. I feel so much more relaxed when he gets some sleep. I look over at him and notice how young he looks. It’s so easy to assume he is much older than he actually is based on his intellect. In truth he is still a young adult even though he very rarely acts his age. He has the eating habits of a five year old and the mental capacity of a fifty year old. He is so eccentric that it is hard to imagine him being more than a teenager in an awkward phase sometimes. I asked him once about his age and he gave me a steady look as if deciding whether or not to trust me with that information. Eventually he silently looked away and resumed working on his computer. I let the matter drop. A few days later, out of the blue, he turned to me and informed me that he was about 25. I was more surprised that he had decided to share with me than anything else. But then I got to thinking about how much he had accomplished already. I wondered how young he was when he started solving crimes. He had been a famous name in law enforcement for quite some time and had solved numerous cases. He must not have had a normal childhood by any means. I can’t imagine him going to the lengths that I have gone to to fit in and be accepted by my parents and friends. He told me that I was his first ever friend so I can be fairly certain that he did not conform. Also I have been around him enough that there is no doubt about it. He is utterly unique and it’s very strange for me to grasp how he has survived so long constantly being alone and still not changing to make others like him. It must be very lonely. I am not sure if I could do it honestly. He is so unwavering. It’s rather inspiring actually. I have always just given people what they wanted. I wonder what it would feel like to just be myself out in the open. Now I don’t have any desire to eat pounds of sugar or walk around hunched over, but saying what I’m actually thinking once in a while would be nice. The only problem is that no one would want to be around me. I can hardly stand others simply because of the fact that they don’t compare to me mentally. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to make those people like me if I just spouted my actual thoughts instead of dumbing them down. I don’t even know why I care so much. Or even at all. L obviously doesn’t and he seems to be doing well for himself. He gets to use his brain to solve problems no one else can fathom and he doesn’t put on a front to do it. I envy him his courage to just be himself.  
I realize that I have been staring at L’s sleeping form while thinking for about an hour. I know that I should get some sleep too, but I don’t really feel tired. I am about to close my eyes and will myself to sleep when I feel L jump violently beside me. I look over at him and see a look of distress on his face. He continues to thrash and twitch every couple of seconds and I know he is having a nightmare. I desperately want to help. I try to think of what to do. I grab his shoulder and shake it gently, calling his name. This accomplishes nothing so I shake harder. Nothing. I try everything until at last I find myself shaking both of his shoulders and yelling into his face. His eyes shoot open and he flails around violently, catching my eye with his fist. It hurts, but I hardly notice as I am trying to calm him down. His gaze eventually meets mine with panic filling his eyes. I tell him he is safe and that I am here. It takes him a moment, but I see recognition in his face and he looks utterly relieved. He is clutching my arms and looking around the room as if he doesn’t believe where he is. After scanning the entire room he seems to understand what is happening. He releases my arms and falls back against his pillow. He stares at the ceiling and is obviously trying not to look at me. His breathing is still fast and hard, but he doesn’t seem to be on the brink of a panic attack.  
“Are you okay?” I ask gently.  
“I’m fine. I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t worry about it,” I say, rubbing the eye that got hit in the fray.  
L chooses that moment to look at me. His eyes go wide and concern fills his face.  
“Did I hurt you?” he asks.  
I pause. “No, I just got something in my eye,” I lie. He sees right through it and pulls my hand away from my eye.  
“Let me see.”  
I give in to his scrutiny and look anywhere but at him while he touches my face gently.  
“I think it’s going to bruise,” he says finally.  
L sits back, looking down and away. Shame is written all over his face.  
“It’s ok. It was worth it.”  
He glances up at me at that and I see confusion on his face.  
“Why was that worth getting hurt? I’m used to the nightmares. I’ve had them most of my life. I could’ve handled one more. Hurting you is different. I don’t want you to feel pain when you don’t have to.” He looks like he might cry.  
I put my hand on his shoulder.  
“L, it would be more painful for me to watch you suffer than it is to be punched in the face. I would endure much worse than this to keep you from being scared or hurt in any way.”  
L looks at me with an unreadable expression. It is something akin to shock.  
“I’m sorry, Light. I don’t want you to have to make that choice. I hate making you worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ve always gotten through this on my own. I don’t want to be a burden on you. Trust me, hurting you is the last thing I want right now.”  
“You have to believe me when I say I can’t sit back and watch this happen. I want you to share your pain with me. Just give me a chance to help you.”  
L sits in silence for a long time after that. Finally he says, “Okay. I’ll let you help if you want. I don’t know how you plan to do that, but if you want to give it a shot then go for it.”  
My face light up and he smiles shyly at me.  
“Do you think you can get some sleep?” I ask.  
“I’m not sure. I can certainly give it a try."


	2. Chapter 2

L:  
I don’t know what Light intends to do to make this easier on me. In my experience there is nothing to be done. I’ve tried just about everything. I decide to let it go and get some sleep. I settle down and close my eyes.   
Suddenly, I feel an arm encircle my waist and light breathing against the back of my neck. I jerk around quickly and find myself staring into Light’s eyes.   
“What are you doing?” I ask incredulously.  
“Helping. Just give me a chance.”  
I look at him for a moment before letting out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and turning around. He resumes his position behind me and I feel vaguely uncomfortable with the whole situation. No one has ever touched me while I slept.   
After about ten minutes of feeling Light’s steady breathing on my neck, my breaths sync up with his and we fall into a rhythm. Focusing on my breathing, I don’t notice as I slowly relax and drift off to sleep.

I wake up with a jolt. I look around furtively, expecting the panic to set in at any moment. It never does. I see sunlight streaming in through the window and hear Light’s breathing behind me. He seems to have shifted closer in his sleep and is now pressed tightly against my back. I relax and settle back into a comfortable position. I lie like that for a while, marveling at the fact that I didn’t have any nightmares. Thinking back, I remember dreaming about Light. I don’t remember the dream but I know it was a good one. That’s the first good dream I’ve had in years. Usually I either have nightmares or no dreams at all.  
I lay still, thinking about various things until I can’t stand to be in this position any longer. I gently and slowly turn around, trying not to disturb Light too much. After I reach my final position facing him I simply curl up and close my eyes. I don’t even really look at him. I just let myself be held and listen to the quiet of the room.   
Eventually I open my eyes and take a look at the man beside me. My happy demeanor falls away immediately. The area around his left eye is black and purple. I feel guilt twist in my gut. I hurt him. A couple of weeks ago I would be proud of landing a decent punch amongst all of our fist fights, but now it is different. I have come to care about him and the fact that I hurt him is tearing me up.  
I gently touch his face and feel that it is slightly swollen as well.   
Unfortunately, my prodding seems to have woken him up. He looks at me sleepily for a moment with a big smile on his face. Then, noticing my expression he looks concerned and asks me what’s wrong.   
“I hurt you,” I state, pointing at his eye.   
He brings his hand up and instantly jerks it away flinching.   
“Wow,” he says, “That smarts.” He laughs a bit and gives me a reassuring look. “It’s ok. It’s really no big deal.”  
“It is though,” I say, feeling guilty. I lean over without really thinking and place a gentle kiss on his eye. I pull back and look at the place I kissed, hoping for it to be healed. It isn’t. Then realization hits me and I feel the horror of what I just did rush across my face. I look at Light’s face and see a look of surprise, but no disgust, which is what I was expecting. His expression changes to a serious one after the initial shock. He reaches up and touches where I kissed, looking me in the eye as he does. His hand drops at the same time his gaze moves to my lips. I freeze and hold my breath. I have no idea what is happening. Light moves his face closer until his mouth is a fraction of an inch from mine. He pauses and takes a small breath like he is bracing himself. Then his lips are touching mine gently and my mind turns off. My eyes slide shut and I lose track of the world for a moment.   
The warm pressure is suddenly gone and I am left staring at a very confused looking Light. We look at each other for a moment before he clears his throat and looks away.   
He gets out of bed and starts getting ready, avoiding looking at me. I can’t take my eyes off of him. I have no idea what just happened, but I liked it. I decide to follow suit and get up to get dressed.

Light:  
What have I done? I wasn’t even thinking. His lips were just there and I couldn’t control myself. I have no idea what to do after that display so I just decide to pretend nothing is strange.   
I finally bring myself to look him in the eye. L looks slightly confused and there is this slight blush across his pale face that makes my heart skip a beat.   
What is happening to me? I have never had any of these feelings before. Misa is the closest thing to a love interest I have and she makes me sick. So obviously she isn’t the light of my life.  
The man in front of me is the most interesting person I’ve ever met. He holds my attention without any obvious effort. I often find myself staring at him or thinking about him. I need to get it together. What could possibly be gained from staring at another person 24/7? Oh well. I’m not thinking about this right now. I have to go downstairs and get something accomplished to get my mind off of that embarrassing kiss that I still don’t know how to handle.  
I walk over to L and look him steadily in the eye as I present my wrist for the daily cuffing ceremony.   
Once the shackle is in place we head out the door and make our way to the main floor. He sits in his chair and I sit in mine. Just like any other day. Nothing is different. Nothing has changed. I didn’t ruin anything.   
That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Anything to get me through this day. I try not to look over at him too much. He never looks at me. I don’t know why I want him to. I have a strange desire to make a ruckus or say something. Just to get him to look at me for a few seconds.   
“What are you working on?” I try.  
“I’m cross-referencing some of our data with the records of the NPA.”  
L glances at me for half a second after he says this and my breath catches. His eyes are so dark. They mesmerize me every time I look at him. This moment is so much worse than usual. I can’t force myself to look away or even blink.   
Some of my thoughts must be showing on my face because he does a double take. The second time he looks at me it’s with an expression of amazement. I don’t know what he saw that amazed him, but there it is on his face.   
I stare at him and hope he will say something soon.   
An eternity passes and we stay locked in place. His expression has changed to something slightly more neutral but still intense and very serious.  
L opens his mouth and I expect something very insightful and poignant. Instead he says, “Uh, what are you working on?”   
I take a moment to get my brain and mouth connected again and tell him that I am searching for clues based on location. He gives me a look of understanding and says, “Okay.” He turns back to his computer awkwardly and I do the same.   
The hours tick by very slowly after that. 

L:  
This day is going to be painful. We are leaving our room and I am hyper aware of the distance between Light and myself. He is standing too close. I can’t think straight. What happened earlier? What do I do now? Where do I look? What do I say?   
I decide to stay silent and see what he does first. We assume our usual positions and I begin my research. I look over at Light about once ever ten seconds. He is never looking at me. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed.   
I tell myself that I shouldn’t be worrying about this at all and try to get some work done. Light is just sitting there and I want to talk to him but I have no idea what to say.   
“What are you working on?” Light asks uncertainly.   
I tell him and give him a small look. I freeze. His face showed a look of utter bewilderment like he doesn’t understand what is happening. I stare back at him for a few seconds that drag on and on.   
I realize that neither of us has said anything and we are just sitting around gazing into each other’s eyes. I feel obligated to say something so I lamely ask what he is working on. He tells me and I say okay. I quickly look back at my computer to avoid any more staring.   
I tell myself to get to work.   
I tell myself more forcefully to get back to work.  
I yell at myself to get back to work.  
I’m not listening.  
Hours pass and I finally can’t stand it anymore. I’m not getting anything done and I can’t think straight. I slam my hands on the desk and stand. I have to get out of here. The blank screens are reflecting my face and it’s making me hate myself. The eyes that stare back at me are black and soulless and the gaunt face around them is sickening. I can’t breathe and I have to get away. Anywhere. I don’t care.   
I hear someone speaking and I ignore it. The roof. I’ll go to the roof. I stumble toward the elevator and hit the button frantically. A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch. Spinning around I see Light and the look on his face sends me into a deeper panic. He looks terrified and I don’t want that. I don’t ever want to see him unhappy. It’s my fault he looks like that and I feel a wave of disdain for myself. The elevator door opens and I rush inside, lunging for the top button. Light has no choice but to follow me but I know he just wants to run away from the freak in front of him.   
The elevator is the slowest thing in the world and I feel my chest heaving as I try to get some air. The elevator is too cramped and I can feel something touching me but I can’t pay attention to it. I have to breathe. Why can’t I breathe? My heart is pounding and my mouth is dry. I sink to the floor and move back until I am firmly planted in a corner. I close my eyes and try to stop what is happening to me.  
‘Help,’ is all I can think. Help help help help HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE I CAN’T DO THIS I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME PLEASE!


	3. Chapter 3

Light:  
A loud noise jerks me out of my boredom. I look over and see L stand angrily. I stand too and ask him what’s wrong. He doesn’t answer and I can see him breathing hard. After a moment of thought he starts toward the elevator. I follow him and try to get his attention. He makes it to the elevator and jabs at the button violently. I put my hand on his shoulder and turn him toward me. What I see makes me stop cold.  
I see one thing on his face. Hatred. Pure hatred. It scares me and I let go of his shoulder. As he looks at me his expression gets worse.   
The elevator opens and he jerks inside. I follow and renew my efforts to get him to say or do something. He is unresponsive to my shaking and borderline yelling into his face.   
He slides down a wall and scoots into the corner. His hands alternately grip his knees and his hair until they turn white. He slams his eyes shut and his breathing gets worse. I have no idea what is happening but I have to do something.   
I hear a soft high-pitched sound coming from somewhere. There must be something wrong with the elevator. It’s a horrible sound like steam escaping from pipes. I look around as the sound gets louder.   
Oh my god. It’s L. He’s making the sound. It grows until it is a scream trapped in his tightly shut mouth. I frantically try to get his hands out of his black hair or to get him to look at me. He is locked up tight and I have no idea what to do. I just keep yelling his name as I start to cry. The elevator doors open behind us and I try to think. Outside. Fresh air might help. It’s where he wanted to go in the first place right?  
I pry him out of the corner and pick up the detective. He is shaking so hard and breathing so fast and screaming his strangled scream in between breaths and I practically run out the door into the evening air. It’s cloudy and cold. I consider where to set him down and realize that I don’t want to let go of him for even a second so I put my back to a wall and sink down with him in my lap. I hold him as tightly as I can without crushing him and cry into his hair as I rock him back and forth and wait for him to calm down. I know he will because I’ve seen him panic before, but never this badly. I just keep talking to him as calmly as possible telling him it’s going to be ok.   
His screams turn to whimpers and his breath gets a little calmer. I feel him relax by centimeters and feel his tears drenching my shirt. I stroke his hair and manage to untangle one of his hands. I hold it firmly and continue to murmur reassurances in his ear.   
Eventually L stops heaving and starts simply crying and clinging to me.  
“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m so sorry.”  
“No. Don’t be sorry. Just be okay.”  
He is still shaking a bit. He nuzzles into my neck and holds on to me desperately.   
We sit in silence until he relaxes against me, utterly exhausted. I kiss the top of his head and hold him some more.   
"What's going on?" I ask quietly as the sky steadily gets darker.  
"I don't know. I just hate myself so much sometimes. I'm the worst. I don't know how you can even stand to look at me."   
"Don't say that. You are an amazing man. I don't know if I could stand to be without you at this point. You mean so much to me."   
L looks up at me for a moment and studies my face. He seems satisfied and nuzzles back against my neck. His warm body is keeping the cold at bay for now but the wall behind me is sucking away all my heat. I need to get him inside and into bed before he starts to get cold.  
"Come on. Let's go," I say.   
"Don't wanna. Comfortable," he mumbles.  
I give him a shake and state my opinion more firmly, "We are going inside. You need to rest."   
L makes a sound of agreement and gently gets up. I follow and we make our way to the elevator and down to our floor, my hand around his shoulders the whole way. We reach our room and go through a shortened version of our nightly rituals. I climb into bed first and wait for L to finish brushing his teeth.   
When he emerges he looks completely defeated. The events of the day have taken their toll and I know he needs to sleep tonight. He settles in and I immediately wrap one arm around his waist. He looks at me curiously but doesn't move my arm so I consider the maneuver a success. He cuddles into my chest and hides his face in my shirt.   
"I'm really sorry about today," I hear.   
"I already told you. I just want you to be okay. Please just rest tonight. I'm here for you."   
"Thank you." After a moment of silence he adds, "You're the first person to see that happen. I've never let anyone else see me panic. Not even Watari."   
"Why not? Someone could have helped you. At least given you some comfort or rest after it happened."   
"I didn't want their help. I only want help from you. You're the only one who is able to help anyway. Your presence relaxes me and I don't know why or how. I just don't want you to leave me alone. I never wanted anyone near me but now I can't stand the thought of being without you. I don't understand it and it's killing me."   
I'm shocked by this sudden confession but I try to sound normal.   
"I don't ever want to leave you. You mean too much to me for me to even think about it."   
He takes a deep breath and pulls his head back against his pillow. His eyes are closed and I can see he is thinking deeply. I set my palm on his cheek and wipe my thumb across his forehead, pulling him out of his thoughts. He looks at me and there is something strange and soft within his gaze. It stirs something inside me and all I want to do is kiss him. My gaze slips down to his mouth and he parts his lips. I move my face closer to his and look for some sign of disapproval. Instead I feel a hand rest on the curve of my waist and pull me slightly closer. His touch gives me a thrill and I close the distance between us. The kiss is gentle but firm and it only lasts a few seconds. I pull back and see a dark gleam in L's eyes. He pulls me into another kiss. This one is more forceful and intense. I open my mouth and he does the same. Our tongues touch for just a moment and I groan at the contact. The kiss deepens and becomes much more passionate. L is surprising skilled and I feel a small wave of jealousy as I think about the fact that he may have done this with others before. The thought makes me want to be even closer to him. I pull his body close and stroke up his side until my hand is buried firmly in his raven hair. It's so much softer than I expected. I tighten my grip, pulling his hair just a little. He breaks the kiss for a moment as a moan escapes his lips. That is almost too much for me. I pounce, rolling on top of him, one leg planted firmly between his. He wraps his arms around my neck. I keep one hand tangled in his hair and the other firmly grasps his hip. I am losing control. I don't know if I can stop at this point and I don't know where exactly I want this to go. I'm aching and hard and I can feel that he is too. I grind my hips into his and he moans loudly. I move my mouth to his neck. He pants heavily and grips my hair. Moan after moan pours from his mouth and I just can't get enough of that sound. I grind my pelvis again and we both can't hold in our groans of pleasure.   
L pushes with surprising strength and flips us over. He gives me the sexiest look I can imagine and dives into another kiss. This time it's me that can't stop moaning. It's so hot and I just want to touch his skin. I reach down and grab the hem of his shirt. I slide my hands under and start stroking up his sides. He makes a strangled sound and grabs my hands.   
"We need to stop," he pants.   
"I know. I don't want to move so fast."   
While I'm disappointed I'm also really glad he stopped me. I have no self control right now.   
L rolls off me and lays panting on his back for a minute. His hands cover his face and I can see him trying to get his body under control. I am doing the exact same thing.   
He gets up shakily.   
"Give me ten minutes." He looks at me spread across the bed with a distinct bulge. "Maybe five," he adds after a groan and walks into the bathroom.   
I decide to take this opportunity to take care of myself as well. Pulling my pants down I take myself in hand. There is a sizable wet spot in my underwear. I don't even think about needing the lube I keep in the nightstand. I try not to think of L but my mind won't focus on anything else. I can smell him on me and in the sheets and I get lost in the pleasure. I would much prefer it if it was L's hand on me instead of my own but it's really too soon for that. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him yet and I don't want to ruin things. I just let my mind drift around thoughts of him for the last few seconds of desperation before I climax.   
The relief is incredible. I feel relaxed and drowsy. I need to clean up but I can't be bothered to move just yet so I just lay still, panting and feeling the sweat start to cool all over my body.   
I hear the sound of running water. It stops a moment before L emerges from the bathroom looking slightly disheveled and holding a damp washcloth. He hands it to me and I expect it to be cold. It's warm and pleasant instead. I use it to wipe myself clean and throw it carelessly onto the floor. L lays down and leans his head in my chest with an arm snaking around my waist. I pull him in close and take a moment to just exist near him. I give him a gentle kiss on the forehead and tell him goodnight. He responds with a squeeze and a hum. I feel his breathing slow with mine as we both drift off.


	4. Chapter 4

Light:  
I wake up slowly. The body next to me is warm and firm. My arm is wrapped around his waist and his head is resting on my chest. I take a deep breath as my body begins to awaken properly. I don’t want to wake him up but I want to hold him closer so I pull him a little more firmly against my body. He lets out a sleepy sigh and moves his arm so that it is tight around my waist. I smile to myself and close my eyes so that I can savor the feel of his body against mine. I flash on the events of last night and I feel a thrill. I also get a little nervous. I really hope things don’t get awkward. I want to show him that I care but I don’t want to smother him or make him uncomfortable. I’m fairly certain that he feels the same way but I don’t how far he wants to go or how quickly he wants to move. I decide to just take things slow and play it by ear. I relax and drift into a half awake daze.

L:  
I awaken to a firm pressure against my waist. Light is warm and strong. I wrap my arm tightly around him and breathe in his scent. He always smells so good. I think about how lonely I used to be when I woke up without him next to me. I didn’t even know what I was missing. We lay still for a while and then Light rolls us over slowly so that he is above me. He smiles at me and brushes the hair off my forehead and places a kiss there.   
“Good morning,” he says quietly.  
“Hi,” I reply.  
He spends a moment studying my face and stroking my cheek. Then he snuggles into my neck and breathes deeply. I start to drift around in a sleepy state as I hold him and match my breathing to his. Eventually we have to get up because Light is hungry. I groan before leaving the warm bed and going through my morning routine.  
We head downstairs chained together and grab something to eat. Light has a bagel and I have ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. He eyes my breakfast judgmentally. I flash a big grin at him and continue eating happily. We then settle into our work areas and resume the investigation. I stare at the screen in front of me as information whizzes by. I absorb it all instantly as it scrolls by but I can’t seem to focus. I’m simply tucking the information away for later. It’s mildly frustrating. I need to be productive. I reign in my thoughts and am able to focus for a few minutes. I’ve never had to discipline my mind before. Usually I just sit down and am completely absorbed in whatever is in front of me. But today it’s like there is this nagging in the back of my head. I decide to hunker down and get to work. I’ll think about this later. Whatever this is. I turn my attention back to my screen and clear my mind.

Light:  
What is wrong with me? I can’t get anything done. I just keep flashing back to last night and the feel of L on me grinding his hips into mine and sucking my neck. Every time I picture it I draw in a sharp breath and have to bite back a tiny moan. Just the thought turns me on. Another wave of memories comes and I don’t quite manage to stay quiet this time. I let out a short hum and hope no one notices. But of course the world’s greatest detective notices everything. His head snaps toward me and he looks confused.   
“Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine. I was just remembering something,” I say. He looks concerned.  
“Was it unpleasant? Why did you make that sound?”  
“It was actually very pleasant.”  
“Oh,” he says, looking even more confused. I lean in close and whisper, “ I was thinking about you and what happened last night.”   
He blushes and looks like he has no idea what to do with this information. I smile at him and turn back to my own computer. I feel him stare at me for a few seconds before turning back to his own work with a bewildered expression. 

L:  
Light is thinking about last night. I’m honestly glad that it made an impression on him. I figure he has had many experiences like that before so I don’t really think it would matter that much to him. Although, most of his experiences probably involved girls. I was actually really surprised he didn’t reel back and punch me when after we kissed the first time, regardless of the fact that he technically kissed me. I glance over at him and marvel at the fact that he can just sit there calmly after saying something so suggestive. My mind is full of images from last night now. I am trying not to get turned on. My efforts are marginally successful. I bury my face in my hands. I can’t do this. I need to calm down. I’m getting carried away by this whole situation. I have no idea what I’m even doing with my life anymore. Why does Light affect me so much? I can’t even imagine my life without him anymore. He has become such an integral part of my life that I don’t know how to distance myself from him. I honestly don’t want to and that’s what confuses me. I’ve never been so close to someone, physically or emotionally. I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I mean I obviously have a crush on him. That sounds so juvenile but it’s an accurate description of how I feel. Being near him gives me butterflies and makes me self-conscious. Which is completely new for me. I obviously have never cared about what I look like. I so rarely was ever seen by anyone before that it didn’t really matter. I’m still getting used to having people around me. I’ve always been so reclusive and I lived in the shadows. That was how I wanted it. It’s much safer that way. And more efficient. But now that I’ve started spending time with people I have found that I like it. Now I don’t want to go out and make a ton of friends or be a party animal. I’m happy with just one or two good people. Honestly I’m happy with just Light. I don’t need anyone else in my life. He’s my friends and possibly is becoming more than that. All I really know is that I care about him and he seems to care about me and that’s all that I need right now to make me happy. I look at him and wonder how he really feels about me. Am I just a passing thing or does he really feel strongly about me? I never thought of him as being into guys at all. Maybe he is just lonely and doesn’t care that I’m a guy. I mean he could always go after Misa but he really doesn’t seem to like her. I know that before he joined the investigation he went on lots of dates with lots of different girls. He is handsome and girls love him. I don’t know how he managed being clung to all the time. It would disgust me to have girls touching me all the time. It would disgust me to have guys touching me all the time too. I’ve never really identified with being ‘gay’ or ‘straight.’ I’ve always just kind of looked at someone and decided if they were attractive to me, regardless of gender. I guess this would make me ‘bi’ or something like that. It really doesn’t matter to me. I’ve never been in a relationship of any kind and it never bothered me. However, I want to be in a relationship with Light. A romantic relationship with all that that entails. I want to be able to touch him and hold him all the time. I just don’t know how to go about getting to that point. I guess I’ll just wait and see what he does. I just hope that his endgame is the same as mine. I will just go with what he does for a while. I don’t want to mess anything up. He is so perfect and I’m so not. I don’t know why he even wants to be in the same room as me, much less touch me or kiss me. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out how he feels. Until then I try to get some work done.

Light:  
I end up staring into space for the rest of the afternoon and don’t accomplish anything. I don’t think L did either. We decide to head to our room and relax for a little while. I follow L into the elevator and notice that he is a bit tense. He is avoiding looking at me and I don’t like it. I move closer to him.   
“What’s up?” I ask.   
“What do you mean?’  
“I mean you seem uncomfortable. Is everything okay?” I ask, concerned.  
“Yeah,” he answers too quickly, “Everything is fine.”  
I give him a dubious look and decide to let it go.   
“I’m so tired,” I declare, “Maybe I should take a nap.” I think about the prospects of a quick lie down and it seems so nice. I decide to do just that and by the time we get to our room I can already feel myself getting sleepy. We walk in and I hold out my wrist so that L can unhook us. He stares at my wrist for a moment and doesn’t seem to understand what I want.   
“I want you to take it off,” I explain, confused at why he isn’t moving.  
“I know,” he replies quietly. He makes no move to comply and I lower my arm.   
“Seriously, what’s wrong?” I ask, taking a step toward him. He opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. He just takes in a breath and then closes it again with a pained expression. He doesn’t look at me and I feel a sinking feeling. I hope I didn’t do something wrong. I take his face in my hands and make him face me. His eyes reluctantly meet mine and I can’t read his expression. I wrap my arms around his neck and feel his arms wind around my torso. He holds me tight and seems to relax a little.   
“I want to know what’s wrong,” I tell him gently.   
“I don’t know,” he says. I know he is lying. He knows exactly what is bothering him. He just doesn’t want to tell me. I remind myself that he is a secretive person and isn’t used to telling people everything about what he is feeling. My only thought is that I want to make him happy. I hate to see him upset and I try to think of something that might cheer him up.   
“Can I kiss you?” I ask. I know that it is a bit arrogant to assume that kissing me will cheer him up. Kissing me really isn’t that special. I don’t even know if he likes doing it. He did stop me when things started to heat up. Maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. The thought makes me feel like shit so I try to not think like that but the doubt is still there.   
“Why?” he asks. I’m confused. I don’t remember what we are talking about. I got lost in my own doubts.   
“Why what?” I ask.  
“Why do you want to kiss me?” The pained expression is back on his face and he is looking away again.  
“Because I like you. A lot. I always want to kiss you. It makes me happy and I want it to make you happy too.”   
“Oh,” he says flatly, “You know you could always go kiss Misa.”  
“What? Why would I do that?”  
“Well, you want to make people happy and it would make her happy. She loves you, you know,” he says, still looking away.  
“I can’t stand Misa. Besides, I don’t want to make people happy. I want to make you happy. I like you. I want to kiss you,” I say forcefully. He doesn’t seem to accept what I’m saying.  
“Why?” he asks quietly.   
“Because you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known. I never want you to be unhappy and I never want to be without you,” I explain. “Where is all this coming from anyway? This isn’t like you.”   
“I don’t know. I just don’t understand. Why me? There are girls all over you all the time. You could easily take your pick and live happily with one of them. I just don’t see why you’re wasting your time with me,” he says dejectedly.   
“I care about you, L. That’s all that matters to me. I’m not wasting my time. I don’t want one of those frivolous shallow girls that follow after me. I want to be with someone that means something to me. Like you do.”   
He looks more hunched over than ever and I need to fix this.   
“Please believe me,” I beg.   
“I want to,” he says, “I really do. I just don’t have any experience with this kind of thing. I’d never even kissed anyone before you, much less done anything else. And I’ve never had feelings for someone before you. Why not be with someone who knows what they are doing? Besides, Don’t you like girls? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a boy. And not a particularly effeminate one at that.”  
“I’ve never done any more than kiss a couple girls in high school. That’s as far as I let things go. It’s not even a matter of whether or not I like men or women. It’s a matter of the fact that I never liked any of the people that tried to make a move on me. Or the ones that didn’t try anything. I’ve never really liked anyone before. At least not how I like you. You’re special and you mean more to me than you know. I have always just kept up appearances around others, but not you. I don’t have to pretend when I’m with you. I can just be myself.”   
“I like you so much. I just don’t want to mess this up,” he says quietly.   
“You won’t. I want to be with you.”  
“I would like that.”  
I kiss him firmly. “Please don’t leave me,” I say.  
“I won’t,” he replies. I can tell he means it.   
“Do you still want to take a nap?” he asks.  
“Only if you join me.”  
He smiles and we crawl into bed side by side. I curl up on his chest and he strokes my hair. We start to drift off and I briefly think that it’s already time for us to sleep anyway and we missed dinner. Oh well.


	5. Chapter 5

L:  
There is a warm pressure on my chest. It feels nice, but it starts to dissipate quickly as my body gets cold and shaky. I feel myself go numb and I can’t move. I am sucked into a world of dark alleys, foggy streetlamps, and sharp edges. I hear familiar screams and the lights flash red. My breath comes out in ragged clouds as the mist turns into light rain. The puddles reflect the yellow light and the black sky. I look around desperately. Where do I go? Where can I run? I bolt down the nearest alley and splash through a thick puddle. I glance down and see that there is blood everywhere. It’s splattered on the buildings and there are pools of it all around me. I look at my hands and see them stained with crimson. I look up, panicking, and see a figure in a long coat standing at the end of the alley. His hat is dripping and I can’t tell if it’s blood or rain. I run toward him.   
“Help me!” I scream to him.   
He looks at me with black eyes rimmed in red. His expression is blank. Then he begins to smile. His eyes glint and his lips part in a menacing grin. His teeth are sharp and white. His hand emerges from under his coat. He is holding a silver knife that is dripping and spattered with scarlet. I scream at the top of my lungs but what comes out sounds like a whisper. I scream and scream. Not a single one makes a peep. I run and find myself tripping and falling over my own feet. I reach the edge of a pool of light but before I can step into it I feel something grab my shoulder and spin me around. I’m suddenly met with those black eyes and white grin. I feel a sharp pain in my chest and let out one more attempt at a scream.

Light:  
I hear a gut-wrenching scream next to me. I jerk up and panic. L is clutching his chest and just finishing the scream as his eyes shoot open. I grab him and hold him still. He thrashes for a second and I fear another fist to the eye for a moment. I ride out the violent phase of his awakening and brace myself for the utter devastation that I know is coming. I would much rather be punched in the eye every night than have him panic. He stops holding his breath and starts sucking in air. The next phase has begun. I turn on the light quickly and turn his face toward mine.   
“Look,” I command, “It’s me. You’re safe. Everything is fine. Don’t be scared.”  
His breathing is harsh and his eyes are wild. He looks at me uncomprehendingly for a moment. Then his eyes fill with tears. He closes his eyes and tries to turn his head away. I don’t let him.   
“No, look at me,” I say gently, “Stay with me.”  
He grits his teeth and looks pained but he doesn’t struggle. Tears silently stream down his cheeks and hit my hands. My heart aches at the sight and I notice that he is still clutching his chest.   
“Are you okay? What’s wrong with your chest?” I ask, concerned. He gives me an uncertain look.  
“It’s nothing.”   
I’m not buying that.   
“Tell me why it hurts.”  
“It’s from the dream. There’s nothing wrong with my heart. Don’t worry,” he assures me. I believe him but that raises more questions.   
I hesitate, but finally I look into his tear-filled eyes and ask him flat out; “What are your dreams about?”  
His eyes hold mine steadily. His expression is pleading and I can tell he is begging me to understand.   
“Please don’t do this. Don’t ask.”  
“If I don’t know I can’t help with them,” I tell him.  
“There’s no reason for you to know. There’s nothing you can do about it.”  
“You could at least let me try.”  
“Only I can fix this!” he yells suddenly, the tears have become angry but I don’t really think he is mad at me. He seems to be angrier with himself than anything.   
I don’t really know what to say so I just stroke his cheek and say, “Okay…okay. Well you’re safe and you’re here and that’s what matters right now.”  
He grips my wrist and nods. The tears are mostly gone now and he seems to be calm. I wipe the last of the moisture from his cheeks and give him a soft look.   
“Will you kiss me?” he asks shyly.   
“Of course,” I reply as I gently place a kiss on his lips. He hums and holds my wrist tighter.   
“I like kissing you,” he says, “It feels so comfortable. I always thought kissing would be kind of gross. But I enjoy it a lot.”   
This makes me laugh.  
“It’s not gross. It’s fun. I love it… Actually that’s not really true. I used to think it was kind of boring. But kissing you is the best!”   
L giggles in response to my sudden outburst. The mood has improved and I plant a few more kisses on his mouth.   
I am leaning over him and I stroke his cheek. He looks at me happily.   
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he says with a small smile.   
“Me too,” I reply, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”  
I put my head on his shoulder and we just breathe together. My eyes close and I start to hum happily.   
“I love that song,” I hear from above me. His voice rumbles in his chest and the vibrations run through my whole body.   
“What is it from?” he asks.  
“My mom used to sing it to me.”  
“You hum it sometimes and it relaxes me so much. It’s beautiful.”  
“She used to sing it to me when I was upset or scared,” I tell him.  
“Well then it makes sense that it calms me down,” he chuckles. I smile and keep humming. I wrap my arm across his chest and hold him tight. He lets out a short happy sound and holds me back. It’s pretty late at night by this point and I am getting a bit drowsy. I keep humming until I lose track of where I am in the song and just drift off. 

L:  
Light is asleep. His humming tapered off and now he is breathing deeply and regularly. I think about him and how he makes me feel. Overwhelmingly happy is the answer. I just love being near him. He accepts me and hasn’t ever done anything to try to change me or told me that I’m weird in a mean way. I like everything about him and I don’t want things to go back to how they were before we kissed, although things had already started to change before that. I remember being shy around him and wanting him to notice me after a few weeks of working with him. I mean I always found him attractive, but I didn’t know how I felt about his personality. Honestly, the Light that everyone knows is not the same as the person he is when he’s around me. I’m not sure which is really him. I’m not sure that either personality is the real Light. I honestly worry about it sometimes, but not enough to bring it up or think about it too hard. I don’t know if I can get to sleep. I have calmed down from my dream but the guilt and fear still eat away at me. It’s pretty much a constant thing though so I’m mostly used to it. Just after a dream it gets worse. I need to fix this. I’m the only one willing to do what it takes. Everyone else gave up years ago, but I will never forget. I can’t sleep anymore tonight. I settle into a comfortable position and stare into the darkness with the weight of Light’s head on my shoulder.


	6. Chapter 6

Light:   
The morning light wakes me up. I sit up and am met with almost black eyes with matching circles underneath. L is staring at me and I can tell from the way that he is holding his body that he didn’t sleep last night.   
“Are you okay?” I ask.  
“Of course.”  
“Wanna go get some breakfast?”  
“Yes. I need sugar,” he states firmly.   
I chuckle. “Okay. We’ll get you something sweet.”   
We get up and get dressed. We leave our room and step into the elevator. As the door closes I feel cool fingers touch my palm. I look down at our hands and intertwine our fingers. I smile at the sight of his pale hand in my tan one. I give him a happy glance and I see him blushing. The sight makes my heart stutter. I squeeze his hand and he squeezes back. The elevator beeps at every floor and I find myself praying that the building was taller and our floor was higher up. The ride is over too soon. The door starts to open but our hands don’t part. Neither one of us makes a move to release our grip. I know we need to let go before someone sees us, but my hand won’t cooperate. L reaches out and jabs the button to close the doors. As they slide shut he pulls me into a deep kiss. It’s not exactly chaste. I grab his waist and pull him closer as his hand grips my hair. I groan. I want to stay in this elevator all day if it means being kissed like this. He takes a step back and ends our embrace. He lets go of my hand and runs his thumb along his lips like he usually does. The movement has so much more meaning after that kiss though. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to see him do that again without getting a little turned on. I’m panting a bit. He presses a button and the doors open. I step out and try to look like everything is normal. We pass Matsuda and he gives me a questioning look. His gaze is directed at my hair and I realize that L probably messed it up horribly. I smooth it down and blush. L gives me a knowing smirk and I’m tempted to smack him in the back of the head. Smug bastard.   
There are various breakfast items on a table. I pick some toast and an egg. L has truffles. I will never understand him.  
We settle into our positions for the day and I begin my daily charade. I haven’t gotten anything accomplished since we first kissed. I honestly don’t know how L can focus. I am always wondering what he is thinking about. The hours tick by slowly and the day flows through lunch and into late afternoon. We eat dinner with the rest of the team. I use the term ‘dinner’ loosely when referring to what L ate. Gummy bears and gummy worms do not constitute a meal.   
We start to head to the elevator and he turns to me.   
“You didn’t get a single thing done today, Light,” he says, reprimanding me, “You haven’t gotten anything done all week for that matter.” He looks at me like he’s expecting an explanation for my slacking off. I decide to shift the blame.  
“It’s not my fault you kissed me like that and then expected me to be productive,” I accuse.  
“I accomplished quite a lot today,” he brags, “you have to discipline yourself.” There is a gleam in his eye and I know he is trying to bug me. It works.   
“Look, all I wanted to do all day was drag you back to our room and kiss you for days!” I try not to yell. I push him against the wall with my hands on either side of his head. He looks at me calmly.  
“Then do it next time.”   
I groan, tormented, and am about to dive in for a kiss when I hear a voice behind me.  
“Stop fighting, boys.”   
It’s Matsuda. L gives me a mischievous look.  
“We’re not fighting. Isn’t that right, Light-kun?”   
I want to smack him again.   
“Well whatever you’re doing it’s making me uncomfortable so knock it off,” Matsuda states stupidly. He walks off and I turn my attention back to the man next to me.   
“You knew he was there didn’t you?” I accuse.  
“Maybe.” He grins.  
I glare at him, but there is no venom behind any of this interaction. I know he’s messing with me and I don’t mind it too much. It would make me furious if it were anyone else.   
We walk into the elevator and I wrap my arm around his shoulders and give him a rough shake.  
“You’re funny,” I state sarcastically.   
“I certainly try to keep myself entertained.”  
“How’s that going for you?”  
“I’m thoroughly satisfied by the look on your face when Matsuda started talking.” He shoots me a stupid grin and I can’t bring myself to even pretend to be mad.  
“He scared the hell out of me,” I chuckle and plant a kiss on L’s cheek.   
I think about the fact that Matsuda has been giving me funny looks for a while now and everyone in the task force seems to stare at L and me whenever we walk into the room. I hope they haven’t noticed the change in our dynamic. Maybe we should pretend to hate each other more before someone catches on. Of course I’m not really ashamed of our relationship, whatever that may be. It would just cause some awkwardness if people knew how L and I felt about each other and what we did behind closed doors. I consider bringing up the change in other’s reactions to L, but it doesn’t really seem like anything pressing so I decide it can wait.  
“You are forgetting something, Light-kun.”   
I turn to the man beside me as we step into the elevator.   
“What?”  
He pushes a button, but it’s not the right one. Where are we going?  
It hits me.   
“Oh,” I state dumbly, “That’s right. Misa.”  
I have a date tonight. I groan. I hate these.   
L has an unpleasant look on his face, but doesn’t say anything.

 

L:  
Light is going on another silly date. I cringe at the thought, but I think about the prospect of getting cuddles from him after and that makes me feel like I can handle being near her for a while.   
We reach her room and Light knocks. The door opens slowly and Misa is standing there looking furious. Light and I obviously have no idea what’s going on.   
“Are you cheating on me?!” she screams at Light.  
He looks completely caught off guard.   
“What are you talking about?”  
“Matsuda told me you’ve been acting weird and you’re keeping something from everyone! Is it another girl? What does she have that I don’t?” Misa is frantic.  
“Let’s go inside and discuss this. There’s no point in screaming in the hallway,” Light suggests. Misa complies and we move to the middle of her room. She whirls toward Light and yells, “Tell me who she is!”  
“I promise you, there’s no other girl,” Light states firmly. I notice his word choice and I feel smug.   
“Prove it,” Misa commands. I have a sinking feeling.  
Light looks confused.  
“What do you mean?”  
“If there really is no one else then you can prove it to me.”   
“How?” Light asks, obviously confused.  
“Kiss me,” she commands.  
There is a dead silence in the room.   
“That’s not really good proof.” Light is trying to get out of this.   
“It’s the only way I’ll be convinced. You’ve only ever kissed me once. How do I know that you still love me?”   
The color has drained from Light’s face and I can feel myself starting to panic. How can I get him out of this? I start to say something and Misa turns on me.   
“Stay out of this, freak!”  
I stare at her blankly.   
“Don’t talk to him like that,” Light says firmly.   
“Whatever, he probably just wants to watch us kiss anyway! He’s a pervert!” She screams with a nasty expression directed at me.   
“He is not a pervert. And I can assure you he does not want to watch me kiss you,” Light says, his voice is dangerously low.   
She turns back to me.   
“Why do you do this to him? Why do you want to be chained to him anyway? He loves me. Let him be with me. Leave him alone. He doesn’t even want to be around you. He obviously hates you. Why can’t you just see that?” she yells at me.   
Light steps in between us and towers over her.   
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Misa.”  
“I do! He’s just some perv that likes to watch you undress!”  
“Shut your mouth right now,” Light growls. Misa doesn’t seem to understand the depth of his fury.  
“Make me. Kiss me and I’ll shut up.”  
With quite a bit of hesitation I see him brace himself. He grabs her face and plants a solid kiss on her mouth. He only lets it last a fraction of a second, but her face lights up like all her dreams have just come true. She throws her arms around him and yells his name happily. He refuses to look at me. She starts to drag him toward the couch.   
“Let’s sit and cuddle,” she suggests.  
Light stops in his tracks.  
“No. I have to go,” he says firmly.  
“Why?” she asks.  
“I have work to do.”  
She turns to me with a glare. I keep my face carefully neutral.   
“This is your fault. He doesn’t want to cuddle with me because you’re around and you make him uncomfortable.”  
Light walks to the door and opens it.  
“Okay, that’s enough. We’re leaving. Goodnight, Misa,” Light states firmly.  
“Don’t forget about tomorrow!” She yells behind us.  
I follow him out into the hall and he closes the door forcefully. I walk ahead of him to the elevator. He tries to grab my arm. I shake him off. I really don’t want to be touched right now.   
We step into the elevator and Light tries to crowd me. I push him back with one hand and hold him at arm’s length.   
“Stop,” I command.   
He looks hurt.   
“I’m sorry,” he says, “There was nothing I could do. I just wanted her to stop. I couldn’t stand her talking to you like that.”  
I know I don’t blame him for Misa being a horrible person, but I am still mad at him. I don’t know how he could’ve handled that any differently, except to give Misa the boot. Honestly, we still need her around to keep an eye on her, so having her hate everyone won’t exactly help. Plus I can use her love for Light to my advantage. Light knows this, too. I just can’t help being furious and hurt by this situation. It’s really unfair for me to have to be put in this spot.   
“Please, just stop,” I plead.   
I can’t deal with this right now. I just need a bit of space. This is the first time since Light and I started spending every moment together that I have really missed being alone.   
The elevator doors open and I stride into our room. I unhook us and walk quickly into the bathroom. I shut the door and lock it. I think this is the first time this lock has ever been used.   
There is a minute of glorious silence and then a soft knock on the door.  
“Please talk to me,” I hear.   
I don’t answer.   
Another knock. Silence. The handle jiggles.  
“You locked the door?” He sounds completely taken aback.  
“Open the door, L,” he commands.   
A louder knock.   
Eventually he is pounding on the door.   
“Open the damn door!”   
I can’t take this. I need him to stop.  
“Shut the hell up!” I yell, “Just go away! Leave me alone for one goddamn minute!”  
Silence.   
“Okay,” I hear quietly through the door.   
All I can hear now is the sound of my breathing. I focus on that. I clear my mind of everything but a single train of thought. I try to reason with my anger and hurt feelings. I tell myself that I am being silly. I am being selfish. There is nothing stopping Light from kissing Misa. There is no part of our relationship that is explicitly exclusive. He really may just be being physical with me because he can’t with anyone else right now. I wipe that last thought away. I honestly don’t think that is true. I think he really does care about me and he didn’t want to kiss her or hurt me. He’s been trying to apologize after all. That doesn’t change the fact that I had to watch him kiss someone else. Someone that he can pretend to love so easily. The thought that he could be pretending with me crosses my mind again. I put my face in my hands. What is wrong with me? Why does this bother me so much? I know that he is a very good liar and that my doubts are not unfounded, but that doesn’t change the fact that I believe him. I trust him. That’s the scary part. I’ve only ever trusted Watari. Trust, real trust, is not something I’m used to. I’m not used to any of this and it’s proving very difficult to adjust. I chose this though. I decided to let him in and I didn’t fight my feelings for him. I am to blame in this situation, too. I can’t continue to be angry with him like this. I have to work to fix this as well. I decide to face the problem head on. I walk to the door and unlock it. I brace myself for a moment and open the door.   
Light is sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks up hopefully at me as I walk in. I can tell he’s been crying.   
I sit down next to him and he slowly places a hand on my knee.   
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, “I really didn’t want to do that and I didn’t want to hurt you. I just couldn’t think of anything else to do.”   
His eyes are filling with tears.  
“I know,” I state calmly.  
I’m can’t look at him. I don’t want to see him cry.   
“Please believe me,” he pleads.  
“I do.”   
I shoot him a smile. It feels wrong on my face. I pray he doesn’t notice it’s a fake.   
He notices.  
“Please don’t do that. Don’t pretend it’s okay. I care about you. I really do.” He pauses. “Let me prove it to you.”  
I shoot him a dark look. He instantly realizes his mistake.   
“That was a poor choice of words,” I tell him.  
His eyes start to water again. A few tears slide down his cheeks.   
“I’m sorry.” His voice is almost a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”   
He seems on the verge of sobbing. I can’t stand to watch this happen. I don’t want him to feel bad. I just don’t know how to let this go. I place my hand over his.   
“It’ll be okay. Please don’t cry.” I put my arm around his shoulders and pull him toward me. He buries his face in my shirt and clings to me. Holding him makes me feel so much better. The cure for this might just be proximity and time. I don’t have to forget this instantly. I just have to move on as best I can.   
I let go of him. He looks at me as though I have rejected him. I haven’t. I crawl backwards in the bed until my back hits the headboard. I extend my arms towards him, inviting him in. He looks uncertain for a moment as if he doesn’t believe I actually want this. I do. He finally moves into my arms and wraps himself around me. I hold him tightly and close my eyes. This is all the proof I need.


	7. Chapter 7

Light:  
L is holding me and that’s all that matters right now. I focus on not crying. I can’t stop sniffling. L is slowly rubbing my back now and it’s helping me calm down. I know I screwed up. I just didn’t know what to do. I had no choice. I really feel awful and I know that L is not over it yet. He is holding me, but I know he is still angry. He has to be. I know he is faking wanting to touch me at all. He probably thinks I’m disgusting and that I’m faking with him, too. I honestly care about him more than I should. I never thought I could feel this way about someone. Much less another man. I don’t really care so much about that though. It should make all the difference in the world, but it really doesn’t matter. If L were a woman I’d feel the same way as I do now. It’s the person that I love, not the gender.   
Wait. Did I just think ‘love’? Do I love him? The thought scares me. I don’t know how to love someone. I’ve never felt it before, so how do I know when it’s happening? I get the feeling that I am in way over my head. It’s true that the word ‘like’ has been inadequate to describe how I felt about him for a while now, but ‘love’ is such a scary word. It carries so much weight. My heart is racing. What do I do? How do I work this out? Do I tell him how I’m feeling? I have no idea what to do with my thoughts.   
“Are you okay? You’re tense,” L says next to me. Concern is lining his tone.  
“I’m fine. I just had a strange thought,” I tell him.   
“Would you like to share?”  
“Not yet.”  
“Fair enough. Take your time. Honestly, I’ve been having some weird thoughts too lately.”   
“About what?” I ask.  
“You,” he states simply.  
“What about me?” I ask nervously.  
“Well I wonder how you really feel about me, and how I really feel about you. This is all very new to me.” He is stroking my hair gently. It’s relaxing.  
“I was thinking about that, too,” I tell him.  
“Well let me know when you figure it out.” He chuckles quietly.   
“I will. I promise.”   
“I’m exhausted,” he tells me, “Let’s go to sleep.”   
“I don’t want to get up to change though,” I state.   
“It’s called sleeping in your underwear. It’s a pretty common practice,” he informs me with a healthy dose of sass.   
I scoff.   
“Yeah, I know. I just don’t usually do it.”  
“Me neither, but I’m way too lazy to get up right now.”  
He reaches for the buttons on his jeans. I grab his hand.   
“Can I do it?” I ask nervously. I don’t know why, but I suddenly feel the desire to be the one that undresses him.   
He pauses.   
“Sure,” he says, dropping his hands.  
I sit up and straddle one of his legs as I set to work. Buttons on someone else’s jeans are difficult to undo, but I manage to get them unbuttoned and slide the zipper down. I glance up at L and there is a very serious look on his face as he watches me. I stare back for a moment before I resume my mission. I grasp the waistband of his pants and start to pull them down. He lifts his hips to help me and I can feel him looking at me still. I work his jeans down and off. I dump them on the floor unceremoniously and crawl back up to where I was.   
This time I reach for the hem of his shirt. I hold it gently and begin to move it up his body. I’m not really focusing on the shirt anymore. My palms are flat against his stomach and I can feel the muscle that is so well concealed. He tenses a bit at my touch and I feel the strength of his abs.   
My hands slide upward and I hit his ribcage. I can feel them too clearly. I can see a few sticking out. He needs to eat more, or at least better. I watch as the skin of his torso is slowly revealed. His skin captivates me. It’s so soft and flawless. He’s pale and delicate while still being undeniably masculine.  
My exploration continues and I reach his nipples. I hear him swallow. I look at his face. His expression hasn’t changed, but it’s somehow more intense. It is a mesmerizing look. I can barely take my eyes off him. There is deep meaning behind his eyes and I don’t quite know what it is. He’s definitely not giving me a soft look. It’s hard and extremely serious. Those eyes are burning through me. My heart beats faster and my breathing increases as I stare back. I am determined to finish undressing him. I turn my attention back to his shirt.  
I pause for a moment with my hands on his chest. His breathing seems normal enough. I can feel his heart pounding strongly under my hands. It is a surprising sensation. It makes perfect sense that I would be able to feel his heart beating. It’s only natural, but it strikes me as being very important. This is his heart. He is alive and that makes everything okay. Nothing can be bad as long as this thudding stays the same.   
“I can feel your heart,” I murmur. I need to tell him this. He needs to understand how important this is to me.   
“That’s true,” he says. His voice rumbles under my hands, mixing with the rhythm of his heart. I look at his face with a feeling of awe. This is the first time I have ever felt such elation knowing someone is alive. A real living being is next to me and he is the most important thing that has ever existed. I need to tell him this, but I don’t know how.   
I finish pushing his shirt up until I reach his neck. He sits up and pulls his arms out of the sleeves. He pulls the shirt over his head and it is tossed away. I place a hand in the center of his chest. I don’t want to stop feeling the proof that he is alive.   
He grips my wrist. The strange expression never leaves his face as he pulls me into a kiss. It’s long and slow. We take our time. I feel his heart speed up a bit. This is incredible. I never knew I could be this enraptured by anyone. I deepen the kiss. I’m becoming intoxicated by the sensations around me. I start to breathe faster and I lose track of my thoughts.   
L suddenly breaks the kiss by pushing me back. I feel hurt for a moment. Then he is flipping us over.  
“My turn,” he states as he grabs my shirt. He unbuttons it from the top and trails one finger along my skin as it is revealed. The sensation in incredible and I can’t help but suck in a few deep breaths as it happens.  
He hasn’t done anything explicitly sexual, but I am still filled with want. I need him to touch me. I need to touch him. I trail my fingers down his arms as he works. Finally he has opened my entire shirt and is pushing it off of my chest. I sit up and slip it off. I throw it across the room and he turns to me.  
“Don’t you want to fold it?” he asks calmly.  
“No,” I pant as I pull him onto me. He kisses me firmly and deeply. Finally we both need to breathe so he pulls back and rests his forehead on my temple. We are both breathing hard and I can feel myself getting more turned on by the second.   
He seems to recognize my need to be freed from the confines of my khakis and slides them off quickly.   
We are both left in our boxers. He looks at me with the expression he’s worn all night.   
“We should stop,” he says quietly.   
I nod.   
“Do you want to?” he asks.  
I shake my head.


	8. Chapter 8

L:

I can’t do this. I’m losing control quickly and there is nothing I can do to stop it. If Light had said he wanted to stop then it would all have been so much easier, but he didn’t. I am completely lost. I’ve never done this before, but it doesn’t matter. I know what I want to do and I’m just doing it. I am kissing him the way that feels best and I think it feels good for him, too. At least judging from the way he keeps grasping at me. I pull back and look at his face. He looks utterly wrecked. He obviously doesn’t know how to handle this situation. That’s okay. I am enjoying being in control of this.   
I move my mouth to his neck and he grips my arms tightly. He is making huffing noises. I’m not even sure if he is capable of moans right now. He might just be biting them back for some reason. I decide that I want to make him moan.  
“Don’t hold back. Let me hear you,” I whisper in his ear, giving it a small nibble.  
He groans, tormented. I smile as I bite his shoulder. He lets out a short grunt and I feel rather pleased with myself. I move back to his neck and the moans start. They are short and quiet, but definitely there. I start to suck. He really likes that. He gasps and groans loudly.   
The noises he is making are driving me mad. I need to hear more of them. I suck all over his neck. He encourages me with a stream of “Yea” and “Oh my god.” I throw in a few bites and he jumps every time. This makes me chuckle quietly. I ravish his mouth and rub his nipples. He continues to moan and attempts to touch every part of me at once. I move my mouth to his chest and run my tongue over a nipple. His hands jerk to my shoulders and he grips them tightly.   
I slide my hand down his torso, hitting the waistband of his boxers. He grabs my hand.  
“You don’t have to,” he says.  
“Don’t have to what?”  
“…Whatever you were about to do.”  
“Which is?” I’m tormenting him at this point. I want him to say something dirty with his perfect mouth that only ever says what is proper and expected of him.   
He flounders.  
“I mean, you don’t have to touch me… there. If you don’t want to, I mean.”  
“I want to,” I tell him, dropping my voice to a purr.   
I push my hand inside his boxers and he opens his mouth like he wants to say something. His mouth stays open for another reason.  
My hand touches him and I find that he is soaked in precum. I work a bit of it down his shaft and he takes in a sharp breath. I rub my thumb over his slit, gathering up more of the moisture. I play with him lightly for a bit and then I get a little more serious. His boxers are getting in the way so I push those down quickly. I run my hand up and down his shaft, not touching the head, a few times. Then I start up a rhythm. Each time I reach the top I run my thumb over the tip. He is rock hard and red. He is moaning like crazy and I love it. I move my hand faster and feel as more precum leaks out of him. He is wiggling around and gripping everything in turn: the sheets, the pillow, my other hand that is still on his nipple, and his hair. He can’t seem to keep still and the look of pleasure on his face is driving me crazy.   
“Oh my god,” he says, “Oh yea. Oh yea! Yes! Don’t stop! Mmmmn.” He is panting hard.   
I can feel him getting harder and I know he is about to come. His moans have become more like short shouts and he is obviously beside himself.   
His voice gets louder and faster until it is a constant yell. Then there is a moment of silence where he holds his breath. He then grunts and comes hard.  
Semen hits my hand and spatters across his chest. It’s hot and sticky and it turns me on way more than it should.  
Light is panting heavily with his eyes squeezed shut. He is gripping my arm like a vice.   
I give him a minute. Finally he opens his eyes slowly. He looks at me and I stare back. He’s still breathing hard, but he seems to be coming down off his high. He closes his eyes and breathes a curse.  
“Fuck, what have you done to me?” he asks.  
“Nothing special.” My voice is low and a bit husky.   
He lets out a huff of laughter.  
“I’d call that special.”  
“I’m glad you thought so.”  
I wipe my hand on my boxers. He looks down at his chest and makes a face.  
“I’m a mess,” he says.   
I grab his boxers from the foot of the bed and hand them to him. He wipes himself off and I see his eyes drift down to the obvious bulge in my underwear. Light shifts closer and pulls me into a passionate kiss. Now that he has gotten off I’m not really worried about anything else. I don’t particularly care about my own climax. I can take care of it myself it my boner won’t go away. I really just want Light to get some sleep. We’ve had a long day and he needs to rest.  
Light moves his hand down my torso and slides a couple fingers under my waistband. I turn my face toward his.  
“Are you sure you don’t just want to go to sleep? I can take care of myself.”  
He gives me a confused look.  
“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t want you to take care of yourself. I want to touch you.”  
“Okay… but use the lube you keep in the nightstand.”   
“How did you know about that?” he asks, as he pours the liquid onto his hand.  
I give him a droll look.  
“Think of who you’re talking to,” I state.  
“Mmm you’re right.”   
He slides my boxers off and takes me in hand. I gasp. It feels so different when it’s not me touching myself.  
He kisses me hard and I feel myself being filled with pleasure. He climbs on top of me and straddles my thighs. He runs his free hand all over my body. I grab his wandering fingers and pull him down into a kiss. I bury my hands in his hair and grip it firmly. He is breathing heavily as he moves his mouth to my neck. That feels amazing. I can’t hold back a long moan. I feel a sharp pain and jump.  
“I should kick you for biting me,” I pant between grunts.  
“You liked it,” he whispers in my ear, giving that a quick nibble, too.  
“Yeah…” I whimper.   
“Mmmm,” he replies as he goes in for another assault on my neck. This time he bites, sucks, and licks just about every inch. It’s amazing.   
I am making all sorts of undignified sounds. I should really pull myself together.   
“Don’t fight me,” Light says.  
I’m confused.  
“What are you talking about?”   
“You’re trying to be calm and you don’t think you should get into it. You should. Let go.”  
“Okay.”  
I take his advice and let my eyes slide shut. The feel of his hand on me is amazing. It’s slick and his technique is perfect. He is alternating between kissing my mouth, sucking my neck, and flicking my nipples. There is such an onslaught of pleasure that I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I end up clutching at Light desperately and I start pouring random phrases from my mouth.  
“Oh god… Yes... Mmmn… Oh man... Fuck... That feels good… Right there…”  
It’s just a constant stream of mindless encouragement. I’m completely okay with that.  
My body is hit with waves of pleasure. Sometimes Light hits a certain spot and it makes my whole body twitch. I love and hate those moments. He speeds up his hand a bit and I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  
I feel my legs start to tingle and I know I’m going to cum soon.   
“Light… Oh my god... I’m gonna…Ughnnh.”   
I grunt and feel a hot splatter on my stomach. I am tense for a few seconds. I feel completely still for a moment, then I relax. I’m drained. My head hits the pillow and I feel a gentle pressure on my lips. I look into Light’s eyes and touch his face.   
I let out a soft hum. He hands me my boxers and I wipe myself down. I sigh and close my eyes. Light touches my chest.  
“Hey, L?”   
“Yeah?” I respond.   
“What are we doing?”  
“I have no idea,” I tell him honestly, “but I like it.”  
He chuckles, “Me too.”  
“Let’s just go to sleep and figure it out tomorrow.”  
“Sounds good,” he says.  
I turn on my side and he snuggles up to my back. We are both a little sweaty and sticky, but that’s okay. I can smell him on my skin. I breathe in and close my eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

Light:  
I don’t want to move. I just woke up and I’m warm and happy. The man next to me is sleeping still and I am enjoying the feel of his skin against my chest.  
He takes in a deep breath and hums. He holds my arm for a moment then turns around slowly. He gives me a sleepy smile and I kiss him.   
“Good morning,” I say softly.  
“Hello.”  
“Let’s get up.”  
“No,” he says stubbornly.  
“Well I’m getting up.”  
He groans and rolls over. He puts a pillow over his eyes. I go to the bathroom. I need a shower. I’m still sticky from last night and I have the distinct smell of sex. I definitely can’t go out like this.   
I turn on the water and let the steam wake me up. I don’t usually shower in the morning, but it’s nice every once in a while.   
I towel off and head into the bedroom. L is asleep. I shake his leg.   
“Wake up. Go take a shower.”  
I hear mumbling and groaning from beneath a mound of blankets and pillows.   
“Come on. I don’t want any of your excuses.”  
“Excuses? I never use excuses. I simply state facts.”   
He is being sassy this morning. I hope it doesn’t continue all day. A sassy L is a handful.   
“Just get up and get clean.”  
He rolls around on the bed for a while until he has successfully tangled up all the sheets under him and thrown all but one of the pillows onto the floor.   
“What are you doing?  
“Stretching,” he states simply.   
“No, you’re making a mess,” I inform him.  
“Side effect.”  
I sigh. There is no making sense of this man. He finally gets out of the destroyed bed and heads to the bathroom. I grab his arm as he passes and spin him around to face me. I plant a firm kiss on his mouth and release his arm. He pauses for a second then shrugs and continues on his way. I get dressed as I hear the water running. It turns off around the time I’m putting on my socks. I hear the sink and I know that L is brushing his teeth.   
I hear a shout. L comes running out in a towel.   
“We have a problem,” he states.  
I’m confused.   
“What’s that?”  
He turns his head slightly and points to his neck. There are huge black and purple spots all down both sides of his neck. His pale skin doesn’t help hide anything either.  
I gape for a second. Then I start laughing. That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I feel a small amount of pride that I marked him as mine. He is glaring at me.   
“Look what you did!”   
I can’t stop laughing.   
“That is amazing,” I tell him.   
He gets a gleam in his eye and puts on a devilish smirk.  
“Why don’t you go look in the mirror,” he tells me menacingly.   
Uh oh. I run into the bathroom. My neck is in a similar state. It’s not as bad because my skin is darker, but there are still definitely bruises. I groan. What do I do?   
I have an idea.  
I walk out of the bathroom with a smug look on my face. L looks at me questioningly. I walk to the closet and pull out a turtleneck. Problem solved.  
L looks displeased.   
“That’s all fine and dandy for you,” he states, “but what do I do?”  
I laugh again as I pull the sweater over my head.   
“You’re screwed,” I tell him bluntly.   
I think for a moment and reach back into the closet. I hand him a brown scarf with red pinstripes. He looks at it blankly for a moment.   
“No. Absolutely not.”   
“You don’t have many options. Unless you want the whole world to see your neck.”  
“I’d rather that than wear that hideous thing.”  
“It’s not hideous,” I tell him, “I love this scarf.”  
“Well then it’s a good thing it belongs to you.”   
He sighs. I can’t help but chuckle at his predicament. He is so cute. Ugh. Did I really just think that another man is cute?   
“I have no shame. It’s you that would suffer the most from my appearance,” he shoots at me.   
He’s right. I would be the one that would be blamed for the state of his neck. I’m not sure if I care.   
“I can always say I tried to strangle you,” I joke.  
“That may be more believable than the truth,” he replies.   
We chuckle at the absurdity of our situation.   
“I don’t know what to tell you. We might just have to face the world like this,” I sigh, “It’s really not that bad. People will find out eventually.”  
“That’s true, but this is such a crude way of revealing our relationship,” L states.  
“What exactly is our relationship?” I ask.  
He gives me long look.   
“Whatever you want it to be. I’d like it to be more than ‘friends with benefits’ though,” he says, blushing, “I’d like it to be a dating relationship.”  
“I’d like that too. I never thought of any of this as a ‘benefit’. I care about you,” I tell him.   
I walk to him and embrace him. He pulls me into a kiss. The minty taste from his toothpaste is filling my brain. I take a deep breath and pull back. I smile at him and touch his neck. He flinches.   
“That’s tender,” he says.   
I smile wickedly.   
“Well then I’ll have to be sure to kiss you very lightly there tonight.”  
He grins at me.   
“We should stop stalling and head downstairs,” he tells me.  
“You’re right.”

L:  
We step into the elevator and I dread the moment the doors open. I really don’t care what the other task force members think of me. I am more worried for Light. He has this perfect image to uphold. His father may be furious.   
He looks at me and smiles.  
“It’s going to be okay,” he tells me.   
“I know,” I reply with a grin.   
The doors part and we walk out like there is nothing strange.   
“Good morning Light! Good morning, Ryuz….” Matsuda stops in his tracks, looking at my neck.   
“Umm…” He doesn’t know what to do. His behavior has drawn the interest of the other men in the room.   
“Someone tried to strangle him last night,” Light states. He is a good liar, but not that good.  
“I bet,” Aizawa chuckles.  
Mr. Yagami strides over to Light. I hear a loud smack and see the pain on Light’s face as his father’s hand connects.  
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Mr. Yagami shouts.  
“Nothing that concerns you, father,” Light replies firmly.   
His father reaches for Light’s neck. I think that he might try to choke him for a moment. Then I realize that he is reaching for the sweater. He tugs the neck of Light’s shirt down, revealing the marks that I left there.  
Yagami turns on me.  
“What the hell did you do to my son?!” he demands.  
I look at him calmly.  
“Nothing he didn’t explicitly consent to.”  
He looks furious. He walks up to me and punches me in the jaw. I stagger back a few steps, clutching my face.  
“I can’t stand to look at you two.”   
Mr. Yagami storms out of the room.   
We go to our workstations and sit down. I can feel the silence in the room.   
“Whoops,” I whisper to Light.  
“Whatever. He was going to figure it out eventually. Might as well get it over with.”  
“I suppose.”  
I look at him and see the face he wears when he is pretending everything is fine.  
I don’t want to cross any lines so I hold back the urge to squeeze his hand or hug him.   
My face still aches and I try not to rub it. I don’t want to draw Light’s attention back to it and make him feel worse.  
I decide to work as much as I can and hunker down for the day. Light looks busy, but I know he is upset.   
Lunch rolls around and I turn to him.  
“Why don’t we eat in our room today?”   
“Okay,” he replies.   
We get into the elevator and he slumps as the doors close.   
“That was worse than I thought it would be.”  
“I know,” I say.   
“There’s some bad news too,” he tells me.  
“What?” I’m nervous.  
“I promised Misa I’d come see her today.”  
I laugh.   
“Wow. That’ll be fun,” I chuckle cynically, “maybe she’ll buy the strangulation story.”  
He laughs.   
“That might actually work on her.”  
“She really is stupid. Where did you find her?”  
“I didn’t. She found me. She’s so tiresome.”  
“Agreed.”  
We get to our room and find that Watari has already brought us food. I eat some cookies and chocolates. Light is judging my diet again.  
“You really should eat better.”  
“I’m not fat. It’s fine.”  
“You still need nutrients,” he tells me.  
“I get them just fine.”  
“When was the last time you ate a vegetable?”   
“I eat plenty of fruit.”  
“With sugar on it.”  
“Still fruit.”  
He sighs. He is fighting a losing battle and he knows it.  
We finish eating and I brace myself. I know what comes next.  
“We have to do this. I don’t like her either, but we need her,” he says.  
“Let’s just get it over with.”  
“Okay.”  
We reach her door. Light looks at me for a moment.   
“You’re worth today. I just want you to know that. No matter what happens,” he tells me bluntly.  
He pulls me into a kiss.   
“I care about you so much,” he says.  
“I care about you too,” I tell him.   
He smiles. Then he turns and knocks on the door. It swings open and Misa comes flying at Light. He manages not to fall over, but he doesn’t look very happy.  
She turns her face up towards his with a huge smile. She obviously wants him to kiss her. He blows her off completely. She pouts but doesn’t say anything about it. She drags him inside and leads him to the couch. She sits on his right and I sit on his left. She doesn’t pay any attention to me. That is for the best. She doesn’t shut up for the next hour. She is touching Light constantly. She’s practically in his lap. It really pisses me off, but I know that he is mine. That thought comforts me.   
“Light, why are you wearing this sweater? It’s not even cold.”  
She is tugging on the neck of his sweater. He tries to pull her hand away, but she doesn’t let go and it reveals the bruises on his neck.  
There is a moment of silence.  
“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” She screeches.   
She tugs his sweater down some more and sees the full extent of the damage.   
“THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE! I KNEW IT! WHO IS SHE?”  
“She doesn’t exist,” Light states calmly with an emphasis on ‘she’.  
“Don’t lie to me, Light! I know you’re cheating on me!”   
“How can I cheat on you when I’m not even dating you?”  
He’s done it now. She starts shrieking and crying.   
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, OF COURSE WE’RE TOGETHER!”  
“No. We aren’t. You’re the only one who thinks that.”  
She starts hitting him.   
“You’re a lying, cheating bastard, Light!”  
She has a thought.  
“How did you get away from the freak long enough to cheat on me anyway?”  
“I didn’t.”  
“What are you talking about? You definitely cheated on me!”  
“I didn’t say I didn’t do it. I said I didn’t get away from him when I did.”  
She looks confused.  
“What do you mea…. OH MY GOD!”  
She saw my neck. She is throwing a real fit now.  
“YOU’RE GAY? WHAT THE HELL? YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT, LIGHT YAGAMI! I HATE YOU!”   
She slaps his face. He just stands up.  
“Good,” Light says calmly, “Now that that’s settled, Ryuzaki and I are going to say goodnight.”  
“RYUZAKI, I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN! I HATE YOU! YOU TURNED LIGHT INTO A GAY CHEATER! HE WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS IF YOU HADN’T TRICKED HIM!”  
“It wasn’t a trick,” I tell her with a smile.  
She screams and tries to throw a lamp at me. The cord catches and it just breaks on the floor. This sends her into a bigger rage and she stomps on the broken lamp as she sobs and wails.  
That’s the last thing I hear before Light and I slam the door shut behind us.   
“That went well,” he says sarcastically.  
“She seems really happy for us.”  
He laughs.  
“I’m really happy for us.”  
“Me too,” I say, smiling.  
“Let’s go get dinner then go to bed.”  
“Sounds like a plan.”

Light:  
We reach our room and I collapse on the bed.   
I reach out to L and he crawls into my arms.   
I hold him tight and he holds me back.   
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he says.  
I stroke his raven hair.  
“Don’t be. I made my choices. I would put up with a lot more than that to be with you.”  
I kiss his forehead. He hums and kisses my cheek.  
“What do we do now?” he asks.  
“Just keep doing what we want.”  
“What do you want?” he asks me softly.  
“I want you. That’s all I want right now.”  
He smiles at me.  
“I want you, too.”   
“You have me. I’m yours,” I tell him.  
“I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep,” he says.  
“Okay.”  
We get under the covers and I turn off the light. I put my head on his chest and listen to his heart and his breathing. It comforts me. I go to sleep gently, my breaths matching his.


	10. Chapter 10

Light:

I wake up with a jolt. I sit up and look around the dark room, panting. There is enough light seeping from under the door that I can make out the shape of the furniture. I turn to L. He is looking at me.   
“Is everything okay?” he asks.  
“Yeah… I had a bad dream.”  
“What was it about?”  
“You.”  
“Am I that bad?” L asks jokingly.  
“You weren’t the bad part, idiot,” I say.  
“I’m not an idiot,” he pouts sleepily.  
I snuggle up to him. He wraps his arms around me.  
“What was the bad part?” he asks.  
“I dreamt that you got hurt. Badly. You were dying and there was nothing I could do to help you.”  
He holds me tighter.   
“I’m here and I’m fine.”  
I turn my face to him and give him a gentle kiss. He kisses me back. We just hold each other and kiss for a long time. It takes my mind off the dream. I am lost in the feeling of his mouth and his body pressed up against me. I move my hand up and tangle it in his hair. I pull him on top of me. I want to be covered by him. I want to be reminded that he is real. He is alive and he is with me.   
He slips his hand up my shirt and runs his fingers along my side. It feels nice.  
“Mmm. That feels good,” I tell him between kisses.  
He is running his hands all over my body now. I grip his hair and pull a little. He lets out a quiet moan and I feel a thrill at the sound. We are breathing hard and our tongues are dancing.   
I can feel myself getting hard and I move my hips a little, trying to get some friction. I can feel that he is hard too. It makes me groan and he responds with a sexy sound of his own.   
I am pulling his shirt up and feeling his body move and breathe. He sits up and pulls it off then removes my shirt too. Our skin is touching and it feels amazing, his hands are everywhere. Stroking and caressing. I grab his hips and grind up into him. He breaks our kiss to groan.   
His mouth moves to my neck and I am panting hard. He bites my shoulder and I jump. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. I love it. He kisses the spot he bit and runs the tip of his nose lightly up my neck as he breathes out. It tickles just the right amount. I have no idea how he is this good at turning me on. I find it hard to believe he is new to this judging from his skill. He is the sexiest man alive. My fingers dig into his hips and he growls softly. I drag his head up so I can kiss him. He bites my bottom lip and I moan loudly.   
I’m fully erect at this point and I can feel him clearly through his pants. I reach down and stroke him. He lets out a heavy breath and bucks his hips into my hand. I rub some more and get a series of moans as a reward.   
He reaches his hand into my pants and gives me a gentle squeeze. I huff and grab his shoulders. He gives me a few good strokes and I groan.  
He pulls my pants down to mid thigh and works his way down my body with his mouth. I feel hot breath on my cock and I can’t believe what’s happening.   
Warmth encompasses me and I shut my eyes tightly. I feel his tongue flick at my tip and I jump. This doesn’t feel like I expected a blowjob to feel. It’s so much better. I can feel his tongue licking as his head starts to bob up and down. I can’t do much but moan and pant. My hands are tangled in his hair and when he hits certain spots I grip it tight. He groans and I can feel the vibration of his voice. He is amazing and his mouth is hot and wet. It feels so good. I never want it to stop, but I don’t want it to end like this. I drag his head up to me and kiss him passionately. I can taste myself. It’s weirdly sexy. I need more of him.   
“I want you,” I growl into his ear.  
“How?” he asks.  
I pause. I can’t believe I’m about to say this.  
“I want you inside me.”  
“Oh god. Yes.”  
He sits up and slides my pants all the way off. He reaches into the nightstand drawer and grabs the lube. He pours a generous amount onto his hand and warms it up a bit.   
He looks at me.   
“Are you sure about this?” he asks.  
“Yes.”  
“It’s going to be weird.”  
“I know,” I say. I want this so badly.  
He slips his fingers between my cheeks and rubs my opening. His fingers are a little colder than I expected and the sensation is strange. He pushes my legs further apart and slowly pushes in a finger.   
I can feel it and it is the weirdest thing I’ve ever felt.   
He has a look of concentration.   
“Relax,” he commands.  
He leans forward and kisses me. I am trying to relax, but it is so hard. I finally manage it and he starts to move his finger in and out. It starts to feel good. He does this until I am completely relaxed, then he pushes in another finger. I tighten up again.   
“No, relax,” he repeats.  
“Okay,” I huff.  
He scissors his fingers as he moves them in and out. He curves them upward and hits a certain spot. I see stars and gasp. He smirks. I’m biting my lip and breathing hard. He is focusing all of his attention on me and it is wonderful.   
He is moving his hand faster and the slick wet sounds are incredibly sexy. He adds another finger and stretches me out more. I am getting more used to it and I just grit my teeth and stay loose.  
He wraps his lips around my cock and sucks. He bobs his head in time with his fingers and the sensation is incredible. I am moaning like crazy.   
His lips leave me with a loud noise and his fingers slip out.   
I whimper at the lack of sensation. I feel so empty.  
He finally takes his pants off and slathers himself in lube. He positions himself in front of my opening.   
“This might hurt,” he says softly.  
“I can take it.”  
He kisses me deeply as he starts to push in. It feels different than his fingers. I close my eyes and hold my breath.  
“Breathe,” he tells me.  
My breaths are shallow and quick, but they help.  
Suddenly I feel a ‘pop’ and a sharp pain.  
I shout and he freezes.  
“Are you okay?” he asks.  
I shake my head and hold up a finger. I need a minute.  
“Do you want to stop?”   
I shake my head again.  
The pain is starting to subside. I’m breathing hard and my eyes are squeezed shut. He is stroking my forehead and kissing my face.  
“Keep going,” I tell him through gritted teeth.  
He starts moving again and it aches.   
He is finally in all the way and he stops and lets me adjust for a minute. He never stops kissing me and his hand is slowly stroking my dick. I’m panting.  
I feel myself relax and I nod at him.   
He starts to move slowly. It still hurts a bit, but I’m hoping that will go away. He pulls almost all the way out and then slowly pushes back in. He repeats this a few times. About the fourth time he pulls back I grab his hips and pull him in faster. He moans and rests his head on my shoulder. I control his speed with my hands and I slowly let him go faster until he has a steady rhythm going. It is starting to feel good. Really good. I let out a moan and he bites my shoulder. I raise my hips to meet his and he goes even deeper.   
“Oh yeah,” I sigh.  
He groans and pushes in as far as he can go with each thrust. It is amazing and he keeps moving faster. He is stroking my dick in time with his thrusts and I can barely register what is happening. It just feels good.   
He is moaning and huffing into my neck. I pull his mouth onto mine and he slows his thrusts for a moment to kiss me deeply. I pull his hair a bit and he moans. I push my tongue into his mouth and he captures it. He sucks on it and it feels amazing. I groan and my hips buck up into his. His breath catches and he speeds up again. He is pumping at a good speed and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My whole body feels weightless and I can hardly control my movements. I am just matching his thrusts and grunts and I know I can’t stop even if I want to. I start to go numb and I am about to cum.   
He gets two more thrusts in before I am shouting and cum is spurting all over both of us. I tighten involuntarily and he thrusts one more time before I feel him twitch inside me and hear him yell above me.   
His hips stutter and I can feel his semen filling me in bursts.   
We are both tense and then we relax at the same time. He collapses on top of me and I hold the back of his neck and press my fingers into his back.   
We are panting and we are both soaked in sweat and cum. It’s unbelievably hot and sticky, but I can’t move. He is still twitching slightly inside me.   
Our breathing is getting slower and my heart isn’t about to beat itself out of my chest anymore.  
He kisses me passionately and strokes my hair.  
The sweat is starting to cool and I know that if we don’t move now we will fall asleep with him on top of me and still buried inside me.  
“We need to move,” I tell him.  
He groans and slowly pulls out. I can’t hold back the whimper that comes from my mouth at the feeling of emptiness. He looks like he misses being in me as much as I miss being filled by him. He collapses next to me and sighs.   
“I’m all sticky,” he tells me.  
I chuckle.  
“Me too.”  
“What time is it?”  
I look at the clock on the nightstand.  
“It’s 4:37.”  
He groans.   
“I’m too tired to shower.”   
“We’ll do it in the morning,” I say.  
He grunts approval and I can hear his breathing getting slower. He is falling asleep.  
I reach out and intertwine our fingers. He holds my hand firmly until he drifts off.   
I follow him into sleep a few minutes later.


End file.
